The Tip of the Iceberg: Understanding What Lies Beneath a Child’s Behavior

By Hemendar Pusa

Nanhi Gilhari — pausing before labels, looking beyond behavior

Start Here

If you are new to Nanhi Gilhari, this post introduces a practical way to understand behavior - especially when what we see on the surface does not explain the full story.

The ideas shared here are drawn from real classroom and family experiences and are meant to be used, not just read.

If this approach resonates with you, the posts below continue the journey from understanding behavior to responding with care and clarity.

Read next (in sequence):

Ocean in a Drop –Seeing Strengths before Struggles
Active Listening (NFF → PEM) – Tools for Parents, Teachers, and Leaders
Before We Label a Child… – Practicing Non-Judgmental Understanding

Each post builds on the previous one, offering simple tools to look deeper, listen better, and respond more thoughtfully.

What if the struggles we notice—whether in children or adults—are only the visible part of a much deeper story?

What we see is often only the surface:

What would you do if this child were in your classroom?

   A young child is fighting with peers.
   Using abusive words.
   Leaving the classroom without informing anyone.

   Concerns grow quickly.
   Other parents are worried.
   Administrators are involved.
   Discipline policies are applied.

   Now pause and reflect.

   If you were the classroom teacher, how would you respond?
   If you were the administrator, what decision would you make?
   If you were the parent, how would you feel hearing this about your child?
   And if you were the child, what would you be trying to say—without having the words?
   This is where the tip of the iceberg begins to appear.

Before Responding, Try This Lens: NFF

Before we move forward in the story, I invite you to look at this situation through a simple lens:
NFF - Needs, Feelings, and Facts.

Ask yourself:

What might each person need right now?

What might they be feeling, even if it is not said aloud?

What are the facts, without assumptions or labels?

Let’s gently step into each role.

Seeing the Situation Through Different Shoes

The Classroom Teacher

Needs: safety, structure, support, a workable plan

Feelings: overwhelmed, responsible, anxious, pressured by time and expectations

Facts: repeated incidents, a child leaving the class, concern from others

The Parent

In this case, the parent was a single mother. The father was living abroad, and there were ongoing family conflicts.

Needs: understanding, partnership, guidance, reassurance

Feelings: stress, worry, guilt, fear of being judged

Facts: the home environment had emotional strain and missing pieces

The Child (5 - 6 years old)

Needs: emotional safety, stability, connection, expression

Feelings: anger, confusion, insecurity he cannot name

Facts: behavior changed over time; he was reacting to what he could not process

The Administrator

Needs: school safety, consistency, fairness, policy compliance

Feelings: responsibility, pressure from parents and staff

Facts: complaints escalating, behavior impacting the classroom

When we look at the situation this way, the question shifts from
“What’s wrong with this child?”
to
“What is happening around this child—and how are we responding?”

The Iceberg Metaphor

What the school was seeing—fighting, abusive language, leaving class—was real.

But it was only the tip of the iceberg.

Below the surface were:

unspoken emotions

family stress

missing attachments

a child trying to make sense of a world that suddenly felt unstable

Every child is an ocean in a drop.
What we see in one classroom moment is only a small drop of a much larger inner world.

My First Step Was Not a Strategy - It Was Trust

One day, when I noticed the child quietly leaving the classroom again, I informed the teacher that I would take care of the situation.

Instead of asking questions or correcting behavior, I chose to walk alongside the child and asked gently,
“Do you like to walk?” He said yes.

Presence, patience, and active listening can guide a child more gently than correction.

That was not a technique.
That was the beginning of trust.

Before any intervention, before any plan, I focused on creating a space where the child could
feel safe - without judgement of right or wrong.

Active Listening: Diving Slowly Into the Ocean

In my classroom, I invited him to play safely. I offered crayons, paper, and time.

   No pressure.
   No labels.
   No fixing.

Through art and quiet presence, the child began to express what words had not carried into the classroom.

This is active listening in practice:

listening without interrupting

listening without correcting

listening while filtering our own prejudices and preoccupations

This requires:

a non- judgmental attitude

confidentiality

patience

appreciation of strengths

Through his drawings and words, deeper truths emerged—details about what had been troubling him for months.

The behavior was not the problem.
It was the message.

Why This Process Takes Time

This is an important reminder for adults today:

Even with the right tools, deep change is not instant.

Trust does not grow overnight.
Children do not regulate emotions on demand.
Families do not heal through quick fixes.

Professional support works best when the process is allowed to unfold—step by step.

In this case, progress happened because:

the child was understood, not labeled

the parent was supported, not blamed

the school collaborated, not isolated

strategies were followed consistently over time

The jewels beneath the ocean surface are found not by rushing, but by diving carefully.

Parent Takeaway Box

For Parents

Behavior is communication, not character

Trust comes before correction

Allow time for the process to unfold

Seek support early while protecting your child’s dignity

Ask: “What might my child be trying to tell me?”

Teacher Takeaway Box

For Teachers

You don’t have to solve everything alone

Pausing is not losing control—it’s gaining insight

NFF helps you respond, not react

Trust is the foundation for learning

Reflect: “What might this behavior be communicating beneath the surface?”

Administrator Takeaway Box

For School Leaders

Policies guide actions; understanding sustains culture.

Support systems prevent repeated discipline cycles

One safe adult can change a child’s trajectory

Investing in listening reduces time spent on repeated interventions

When adults learn to dive slowly
with patience, skill, and humility
the ocean within a child begins to reveal its jewels.

And even a small effort, done with care, can make a lasting difference.
When a child or an adult trusts you with their story, do you take time to understand it fully, or do you respond before holding it with care?
What we choose to do with another person’s story often shapes the kind of trust we build or lose.

A Small Effort, Like a Little Squirrel
In many stories, a small squirrel contributes pebble by pebble—not because it is fast, but because it is steady and sincere.
Change often unfolds the same way in real life. Not through quick judgments or instant solutions, but through small, thoughtful actions repeated with care.
Nanhi Gilhari is my effort to share practical tools that support understanding, trust, and patience - especially when working with children.

So that behavior is not seen in isolation, and no child is understood only by what appears on the surface.

Search This Blog

The Little Squirrel – Nanhi Gilhari