Listening Beyond Labels: Understanding a Child Through NFF, ISBAA, and Purposeful Appreciation
By Hemendar Pusa
Nanhi Gilhari — nurturing trust, listening, and growth through small mindful steps
This reflection offers a practical lens for navigating conversations and relationships with greater awareness and care.
Let us begin with a pause.
In our daily interactions with children at home, in classrooms, or in community spaces we often observe behavior and quickly assign meaning to it. These interpretations may not always be intentional, but they are immediate. Over time, these quick meanings begin to shape how we respond to the child.
An important question to reflect on is:
Are we responding to behavior, or are we understanding the child behind the behavior?
This reflection explores that question through a real-life situation, using three interconnected lenses:
- Needs, Feelings, and Facts (NFF)
- Individualized Strength-Based Appreciative Approach (ISBAA)
- Purposeful Appreciation
Together, these provide a structured yet human way to understand and support children.
For a deeper understanding of this reflection, you may listen to the full podcast episode on Spotify - Active Listening Part-2.
A Child to Reflect Upon
Consider the following situation.
Case Scenario
A five year old child is observed across both school and home environments with differing behavioral patterns. In the classroom setting, he follows directions consistently, participates in structured activities, and has received positive behavior feedback from his teachers.
In contrast, when he is around familiar individuals, particularly his parents or known faces, he becomes highly active and frequently in motion. He explores his environment through movement, including jumping and shifting between activities. During these times, he expresses a sense of freedom and at times describes himself as a happy child.
The child often initiates his own play and is able to create new and innovative games independently. His activity level increases noticeably in less structured or familiar environments.
In the presence of unfamiliar adults or individuals with whom he has not yet developed comfort, the child tends to remain quiet and does not readily engage in conversation. He may observe from a distance, delay interaction, or take time before responding when spoken to.
During transitions or rest periods, the child seeks comfort through familiar objects, such as carrying a soft toy or holding a piece of cloth associated with his caregiver.
These patterns are observed across different settings, with variations in behavior depending on familiarity of the environment and individuals present.
At the same time, the child demonstrates advanced reading ability and is able to read above his grade level.
A Reflective Pause
Before proceeding further, pause for a moment.
What is your initial understanding of this child?
What meaning are you assigning to these behaviors?
This pause is essential. It helps us recognize how quickly interpretation can replace understanding. Did your mind label him as shy, not confident, lacking manners, or even a problem child before truly understanding him?
In the comments, share your honest first impression; what labels came to your mind about this child, and how would you respond to him before reading further?
Understanding Through the NFF Lens
The NFF lens allows us to examine behavior more objectively.
Needs
From a developmental perspective, children require emotional safety before engaging socially. Some children, particularly those with a slow to warm temperament, need additional time to respond in unfamiliar environments.
Early childhood experiences also influence behavior. Children born during periods of uncertainty may have had limited opportunities for consistent social interaction. Developmental research indicates that such experiences can shape how children approach new situations and relationships.
In this case, the child may need, time to process new environments, predictability in interactions, emotional safety before engagement, these are developmental needs, not indicators of resistance.
Feelings
Behind observable behavior, there are emotional processes.
A child who does not respond immediately may be internally processing the situation. Some children observe first and then gradually participate once they feel comfortable.
Behaviors such as thumb sucking or holding familiar objects are recognized as self-soothing strategies. These support emotional regulation, particularly in situations that may feel uncertain.
In this case, the child may be experiencing, hesitation in unfamiliar environments, a need for comfort and reassurance, a preference to observe before engaging. These responses reflect regulation, not negative intent.
Facts
Facts are observable without interpretation, the child demonstrates advanced reading ability, the child interacts and shares with familiar individuals,the child forms connections when given time. An adult who engaged patiently through play was able to build rapport, after which the child communicated comfortably. These facts indicate that the child is capable of interaction and connection. His engagement is influenced by familiarity and trust.
Moving Beyond Understanding: ISBAA in Practice
While NFF helps us understand the child, ISBAA guides how we respond.
The Individualized Strength Based Appreciative Approach focuses on recognizing strengths, building connection, and tailoring support to the individual child.
Strength Based Understanding
The child demonstrates, advanced literacy skills, positive self perception, ability to engage meaningfully with familiar individuals, capacity to build strong relationships when trust is established, these strengths are central, not secondary.
Individualized Support
ISBAA emphasizes adapting expectations based on the child’s profile.
In this case, effective support may include, allowing additional time for response, gradually introducing new social interactions, using familiar contexts to support new engagement, incorporating movement into learning experiences, these adjustments align with the child’s developmental needs.
Extending ISBAA: The Role of Purposeful Appreciation
Understanding alone is not sufficient. The next step is how we respond in ways that strengthen the child’s growth.
Purposeful Appreciation moves beyond general praise. It focuses on recognizing specific strengths and efforts in a meaningful way.
For this child, purposeful appreciation may include, acknowledging his effort when he takes initiative to respond, recognizing his ability to observe and think before speaking, appreciating his reading skills and using them as a bridge for interaction, valuing the small steps he takes in building new connections. This type of appreciation is not about rewarding behavior. It is about helping the child become aware of his own strengths.
When a child feels seen for what he is doing well, confidence grows. As confidence grows, engagement increases.
Reframing the Child
When we look at the same situation through NFF, ISBAA, and Purposeful Appreciation, the meaning changes.
A child who takes time to respond is building trust, a child who observes quietly is processing his environment, a child who seeks comfort is regulating emotions. The understanding evolves and the behavior remains the same.
Practical Reflection for Adults
In everyday interactions, the following practices can support better understanding:
Pause before interpreting behavior, ask what the child might need, feel, and experience, focus on observable facts rather than assumptions, build connection before expecting response, use strengths as entry points for engagement, allow time without pressure, recognize emotional regulation as part of development, offer specific and meaningful appreciation.
Closing Reflection
This is not just about one young child.
It reflects many children we see in our classrooms every day.
Through my experience working alongside wonderful general education teachers, I have seen this truth repeatedly:
"Students connect, engage, and grow when they feel valued, respected, and heard."
I deeply admire the teachers and administrators I have worked and collaborated with. They have created environments of trust and care where students feel safe to be themselves. In such spaces, children do better because they feel heard, cared for, and given hope about their future.
Many children do not strive for success only because of future goals. They begin to believe in themselves because of what they hear from their teachers about who they can become. They respond to the way we see them. They stay connected to the way we make them feel.
Children are not defined by isolated behaviors. They are shaped by their experiences, their environments, and the relationships around them.
When we take a moment to pause and apply structured lenses such as Needs, Feelings, and Facts (NFF) and the Individualized Strength-Based Appreciative Approach (ISBAA), we begin to move from managing behavior to understanding the child.
When we add purposeful appreciation, we take one step further from understanding to strengthening.
In the spirit of the little squirrel - Nanhi Gilhari, small shifts in how we see and respond to children can build lasting bridges.
Before expecting a child to change, we may need to pause and ask ourselves:
Am I seeing the behavior, or am I seeing the child?
Am I reacting quickly, or am I pausing to understand?
And most importantly, Am I helping this child see his strengths?
Every child is quietly becoming the reflection of how we see them, speak to them, and believe in them.
Children do not rise to expectations alone; they rise to the relationships that make them feel seen, heard, and valued.
If this reflection resonates with you, share it with one person you truly care about or someone who once saw the good in you and helped you become who you are today. Continue to connect and follow for the next episode on the Power of Purposeful Appreciation.
If this resonated with you, you may listen to the full reflection on Spotify
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